Normalcy? Possible.

Hey Everyone! I realize I haven't blogged in a long while and it wasn't because I was neglecting my writing responsibilities it was more that I was posting status updates on Facebook when I'd have an appointment or something like that and well, never really sat down to type a book like I had in the past :)
So here's it all in a nutshell in case you missed my status updates. I had my last chemo treatment June 27th (I think, around there anyway) and when I came back in on July 18th, the doctor told me that it looked like I had finally beat my cancer and that my blood showed it practically gone! We were thrilled! Everyone jumped up and down! I was told to get a PET scan just to be sure and so I proceeded to get that very expensive test done and wait for the results for an excruciating 3 weeks.
Well last Wednesday we went in for my appointment to confirm that the cancer was really gone - that this battle was finally over for now. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. My numbers went up from a normal 32 to a 54. It's not a huge jump, the highest my tumor markers have been is a 225, but it's still a jump. It means the cancer was never really gone and it's still active. I'm still battling it out which is disappointing. I was looking forward to being done with this particular journey in my life but it's not quite meant to be yet.
So, with that being said, it means that the pill (Tamoxifen) that they have me on is not doing the job of replacing chemo. There's still too much estrogen in my body feeding the cancer and that probably has a whole lot to do with my age. That pill is meant for women 40+ who already have decreased estrogen so the pill completely stops the estrogen. In my case it's just not enough. My doctor is still very optimistic that we can manage this though, and has decided to give it one more month. Maybe a build up of Tamoxifen in my body for another 30 days will help. You can only have so much chemo in your lifetime before you reach your limit and it starts damaging organs and other bodily systems so my doctor is really hesitant to put my back into a chemo regimen. He explained that I'm young and the chance of cancer reoccurring in my lifetime is high, especially since I'm a stage 4 and if I can get to remission, and god forbid I relapse many years down the road, the cancer comes back, he wants chemo in my arsenal to fight it off. The game plan now is to go back in and see him on September 5th and look at my numbers. If the numbers go down or even stay the same, then we'll stay on the pill and hope for the best. If the numbers go up, we're going to try some estrogen suppressing injections. Then, if in three weeks the numbers lower or stay the same, then we'll keep up with the injections. If the numbers still climb with the injections and the pill combination, then there really is only one option, and that is to remove my ovaries. Obviously, this is a last resort as I still plan on having a family regardless of my chances of being able to get pregnant or carry a child and with all honesty, the conversation with my doctors just made me want to hurry up and get pregnant before they take the baby making parts away. Calm down :), I'm not seeking donors yet lol I'm NOT going to get pregnant, I just said that was my instant reaction. Probably a pretty common one. We'll see what happens though. We're awhile away from any body part removal processes lol In the meantime, I still sit every 4 weeks for an infusion of Arredia, a bone strengthening medicine administered like chemo that is supposed to help my bone lesions feel in and heal, reversing the damage the cancer is causing.
On a positive note after all this negativity - I feel really good and when people ask me how I am, I tell them, on paper, it looks like my cancer is back and rising but inside, I feel better than I have in quite awhile. I'm thankful every day to be walking, out of a body brace, out of a neck brace, back to work full time, enjoying times out with new friends, traveling weekend visits with old friends, being with family and dating. I'm actually trying to date again and while I haven't found anyone worth mentioning, I am having fun meeting new people. It is a crazy situation. It's not exactly an easy thing to date with all this cancer baggage and there's not really an easy way or time to bring up the fact that I don't have breasts, my hair is fake, and I live with my mom at age 29. Dating with cancer quite frankly sucks. I'm not exactly the easiest girl to date right now but there's someone out there for everyone and I'm trying to be optimistic! The right guy will realize the physical stuff is all temporary anyway. I feel back to my old self - running a million miles a minute and loving every second of it. Recently I've even set a new goal for myself. Those of you that know me well know I'm stubborn, hard headed, and just downright defiant at times. August 10th was the 1 year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis and it had me reflecting on my crazy year. There was a chance I wouldn't come out of my spinal surgery and I did. Then they told me that my cancer would never be manageable but yet I'm managing it. My cancer doctor was shocked when I told him I was back to work full time and asked me why in the world I'd want to do that. According to a ER doctor I was stupid to even try chemo and I wouldn't live to see 30 but yet it's only 6 months away. Well, I was expected to be the sickly dying cancer patient with the broken neck and scary scars. No one would blame me if I just wanted to live in my bed, drowning in my depression, reflecting on how death is near. After all, in one year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, lost both my breasts, had expanders implanted for reconstruction only to have them removed after infection (so close to new boobs yet so far away lol) lived 3 weeks in pain that words cannot describe while I was told my pain was in my head - meanwhile my head was dangling on a missing vertebra, been through an emergency spinal surgery that risked my life, lost my voice for 3 months, had to learn how to swallow, eat and use my voice all over again, missed 6 months of work, my boyfriend of 4 years left me, spent 4 months in a full body brace, spent another 4 months in a neck brace, suffered from insane radiation burn that busted open my incisions, went through 7 months of chemo side effects and 2 months of radiation sickness, lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and now they want to take my ovaries. Did I forget anything? ...and yet I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life and oh yeah, back to that goal? I'm training to run a half marathon set for December. Take that doctors, nurses, nay-sayers and everyone who said I couldn't. I'd like to inspire. I'd like to say yeah, I have breast cancer, yeah, I went through some crap, and yeah my neck looks like something that belongs in a Terminator movie lol but here I am a year or so later and look what I've accomplished. I'm not letting it change my life and anyone can do anything they put their mind to regardless of what anyone has to say about it or what any doctor wants to deem possible or impossible. It's my life and no one can put an expiration date on it!
I promise to keep ya'll more updated here and not just on status updates. I love you guys!! Your support and words mean everything to me and are the reason I have such a sunny disposition and optimistic outlook on life! We're going to get through this.