2012 - Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I have to say, I'm definitely looking forward to 2012 and was very very happy to say goodbye to 2011. The last six months have been a blur and definitely not what I was expecting when I was making my resolutions last year at this time. It's strange how you think you have your life figured out in the next 12 months and looking back you end up in quite a different place.
I have decided that it is best not to make resolutions this year. Being diagnosed with cancer really changes everything; your outlook on life, priorities, relationships and how you approach everything. The idea of living in the now really hits home when you face the reality that there really could be no tomorrow. My mortality has really knocked me on my ass this past year and until it truly hits you that we all have an expiration date, it's hard to really understand how each day you wake up is a gift. There were many days, many opportunities where I could have not pulled through a surgery or a diagnosis this past year but I did, I'm still on this Earth and its not in my plan to go anywhere any time soon. How silly it seems now to look back at resolutions from last year. I wanted to make more money, lose weight, stop biting my nails, buy a new car - lots of materialistic things. This year I'm just thrilled to watch the ball drop on TV. It is easy, don't get me wrong, to be overwhelmed at times, especially at NYE where for the first time in 4 years, I had no one to kiss and was feeling very alone during the holidays, but I'm determined to stay optimistic. When I hate my back brace and feel sorry for myself, I will remember that its a miracle I can still walk. When I feel alone and depressed about West, I will remember that love exists and pick up the phone and call my best friend who will remind me that everything happens for a reason, to forgive those that are not as strong as I am and remember to be patient. When I'm throwing up from chemo, looking in the mirror at my bald head, or dreading the poking of needles and bloodwork, I will remember those who lost their battle with cancer and remind myself that this is an honor to battle this horrible disease and every day I'm suffering from side effects is still a day I am alive kicking cancer's ass.
There are so many things to be thankful for and life is too short to be negative. The little things no longer matter and the saying "pick your battles" definitely applies here. It doesn't matter if the trash is taken out, the dishes are done, the lady in the elevator can't stop staring at you in your brace, Taco Bell forgets a taco in your order or your cat pees on your favorite pair of shorts. Someone being 10 minutes late, the socks on the floor, the cable going out, or running out of hot water during a shower. None of it is that big of a deal to ruin your day and if you really think about it, is it worth the battle? Would you want to die that night knowing you went to bed angry because of something so relatively small? So what are the big things? Ah have I learned about the big things this year and it boils down to two words. Relationships and memories. When you lie on your deathbed it's not going to be the new car you just bought, the toys you bought to outdo your neighbor, it's not going to be the new set of nails and hair you just got done or the expensive shoes you picked up at the mall. It won't be the lavish home, the ski boat, the motorcycle or the big screen TV. You will look around the room at the people you are surrounded by, the relationships you've built and you will reflect on the memories that have been made. It will be the family vacations, the girls night out, that one time you got a flat tire and it turned out to be an extraordinary night, that one concert, meet and greet or crazy spontaneous weekend. It will be your wedding day or the day he proposed. It will be the moments you make with the people you choose to have in your life that you will cherish and what matters most.
I've learned a lot this year. I've learned the human body can do amazing things. It can be put through trauma after trauma and bounce back. It can be diced up and healed. It can be fed poison and prevail. The body can be radiated, broken, torn and implanted. I've learned that while there are great healthcare professionals out there, there are also some nurses, doctors and therapists who don't know what the eff they are doing so it's best to be your own advocate always. I've learned how odd it is that there are people so very close to you that the cancer scares off while there are those that you haven't talked to in years that turn out to be your biggest supporters and advocates. I have truly learned the meaning of unconditional love and how to spot love when it becomes conditional. I have learned to take a step back and remember my standards, what I will accept and what I won't accept from a man in my life; what I deserve and don't deserve because life is too short to deal with half commitment - you're either in it 100% or not in it at all. Along those lines I've learned I will never move in with a guy again until he puts a ring on it and shows that deep of a commitment - I'm done playing house. I have learned that when someone goes through something like cancer, its not just the patient who is diagnosed but everyone in their lives as well. I am learning patience, to let go of the things that are out of my control and to stop questioning why and just walk the path I'm on.I have learned to stop living like there is a later. Stop putting off that family trip, that dinner with friends, the things on your bucket list, that gift you wanted to give, the words you wanted to say because there isn't always going to be a later. More than anything, I've learned that life is too short to be negative, to feel sorry, to wish for things to be different or to deal with negative people.
For 2012, I am hopeful. I have a list of things I hope to get done but they aren't resolutions. I want to take and share more photos, after all they are the most important proof of memories and things to leave behind. I hope to spend more time with Tania and her family and meet my nephew which is long over due. I want to see my niece Hailey's eyes light up when she sees Disneyland for the first time. I'd like to see my brother with a girlfriend lol I want to get back to work and retain some normalcy to to life. I am looking forward to starting over and getting a little studio. I am hopeful that I will fall in love all over again, if that means working things out with West or finding someone new. I want to host more dinner parties and make more memories with those that I certainly don't see often enough. I want to go up to Carson/Tahoe and visit long lost friends and family, Hawaii and sit on the beach with my long lost 2nd family. I am hoping for a new pair of boobs this year and a full head of hair by years end. I am hopeful for remission and the news will come this year that I am cancer free. So many things I am hopeful for that this has to make 2012 so much better than 2011. Bring it on!