My tumor has a tail!

I logged on to my Southwest Medical file today to see how far booked my general doctor is (for asthma and dermatitis) and notice I have a new piece of paper in my medical record. It’s the results from my MRI findings. I click on it and discover. MY TUMOR HAS A TAIL! I didn’t realize tumors could get tails, but mine does. To give you an example of what I’m trying to decipher, this is my medical findings:

At the 4 o clock position anteriorly in the left breast there is a 2.6 x 2.2 x 3.3 cm (1.02in x .86in x 1.29in) lobulated mass. Multi-nodular stranding to the nipple present. There is posterior stranding also present creating a tail that extends posteriorly over a length of approx. 2CM (1.2in) with a total length of the mass from tumor to tail posteriorly of approximately 5cm (1.96in). Medial to the primary tumor in the central inferior retoareolar aspect of the left breast are several nodular enhancing elements, the largest with a length of approximately 16mm (.62 in). There are also some linear and nodular strand like areas of enhancement in the left breast at the 8 to 9 position. No mass or suspicious enhancement in the right breast. Several nonspecific auxiliary lymph nodes bilaterally more so on the left. Most prominent lymph node left extra region with a short axis dimension of 11mm (.43 in).

Impression:

1.       The bulk of the previously biopsied left breast cancer is at the 4clock position with a maximum dimension of 3.3CM (1.29in) however there is stranding anteriorly to the nipple and a posterior tail that extends over 5cm (1.96in). Multifocal nodular areas of enhancement also present medial to the tumor in the left lower inner quadrant suspicious for multiple foci of tumor. BI-RADS 6.

2.       Prominent left auxiliary lymph nodes, suspicious.

3.       No suspicious lesions detected in the right breast.

So what does this all mean? Well let me retype it with all the stuff I researched from google. Now, don’t hold me to this because the internet is the internet but….

At the 4 o clock position (look at your nipple like a clock in the mirror) in the front of the left breast near the surface is a tumor a little over 1 ¼ in by 1in. The tumor has changed the tissue around it, almost like creating roots of a tree. It’s starting to infect the surrounding tissue in “stands”. The strands are starting to create “nodules” or baby tumors. The largest of these strands is 1.96inches and the largest  of these baby tumors is .62 inches. The largest baby tumor is behind the nipple way beneath the surface where I can’t feel it (central inferior retoareolar). There is more stranding to the 8 and 9 oclock positions. There are several lymphnodes in my arm pit (auxiliary means armpit) that they looked at and the most prominent one was .43 in wide (side note: most lymph nodes are ¼ of an inch to ¾ inch) so while it falls in normal range, it’s still swollen compared to the other lymph nodes around it.

….so moral of the story is, I guess it’s a good thing I’m having the bi-lateral. It sounds like the tumor has gone from just being a small tumor to stranding off and trying to create baby tumors all over my breast tissue so I’m not sure saving my breast would have been an option even if I wanted it.

Screw You, Good Luck!

I hate when you tell people you have cancer, and they reply with "Good Luck". "Oh Candice, I'm so sorry to hear you have breast cancer, but...good luck with all that.". This peeves me. I mean good luck is what you say to someone that has a chance of losing. Like when you play a game, you tell someone good luck. When you're at the blackjack tables, you tell the person next to you good luck...as if you're hoping luck is on their side because they're going to need it. It's as if the person telling me good luck thinks I need it. Like they know it's a losing battle but they're hoping luck is on my side. Well ya know what? Screw you luck! Luck is what got me here in the first place. Do you know what the odds are of someone in their 20's testing positive for breast cancer? Less than 2%. Add that to how rare it is for someone with absolutely no family history and it's just a giant stroke of bad luck that I have this horrible thing. That's what my surgeon said. He said he can't really explain why I have it, no family history, well under the age of 40...it's just a giant stroke of bad luck. So ya know what? I've have enough of this whole luck stuff. Luck has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
ANYWAYS. Today was just kinda meh. I really have nothing particularly interesting to say other than I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging every night so here I am telling you about my day. Here's one of the small things that make my day. I got to wear jeans to work. Yay me. Why? Well because coincidentally, my work is doing a breast cancer fundraiser that they do every year called "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" which basically consists of raising cash and then all joining together to walk a 5K. If you pay $5 toward the fundraiser per week, you get to wear jeans for the whole week. I wanted to build a case that I think I'm already giving enough to the damn disease so I should get to wear jeans permanently, but instead I shoved $5 in front of my boss. Maybe I'm PMSing because reading back over this thing, I'm seeming a little angry.

Grandma, Grandpa, Me, West & Jeff

After work, we met with my grandparents (dads side) for dinner and games. When I say we, I mean my brother Jeff and West. Jeff almost didn't make it, as a bad day at work made him want to drown his anger at his less than competent 22-year-old-girl-who's-never-had-a-job-and-only-wants-to-talk-on-her-cell-phone boss in a bottle of 151. We caught up on the weeks events, talked about how I really had no news on my cancer situation and how I looked forward to finally getting a surgery date. Then we played dominoes (in a game called Mexican Train that somehow ended up with West winning right as we decided to call it a night) topped off with some yummy banana cream pie. I posted a picture of the group but it wasn't from this dinner. This a pic from the last time we met and went to Red Lobster. Oh how I love seafood. Want to make a cancer patient love you forever? Buy her Red Lobster gift cards.
When we got home I caught up with Evan and his day. No matter how many times I told the guy NOT TO DROP A CLASS BEFORE YOU PICK UP A NEW ONE...he did it accidentally and now he's screwed himself out of a 4th class...but it might be enough credits still not to make a major dent in his financial aid which is cool. He seems to like his screenwriting class and his video class was hands on. I'm glad he's liking school because it gets all of that energy he has at home focused on something he's passionate about.
Oh which brings me to why I'm on the computer at midnight. I sat down to take what I thought was going to be an easy first week Philosophy "Quiz" and decided I'd read the few pages I needed for the module and take the quick quiz. Boy, was I wrong. The "few pages' ended up being a chapter due consisting of 57 pages of text and a quiz contained 30 questions all about different kind of arguments and premises. Jesus! Are you kidding me?? I tried to take the exam open book and got a whopping 40%. Good thing I get another opportunity to take it because I was sooo not prepared for that.
I got an email from someone who read this blog and asked me what my MRI and biopsy was like. I told her I would post something describing my experience so I'll probably do that tomorrow. Ok. 12:08. I'm off to bed.

Not all who wander are lost

Before I can go forward with this blog, I need to take a step back for all ya’ll that missed the party bus a couple weeks ago. If you’ve been with me for the whole trip, take a nap and I’ll wake you up at our next destination. If you’re just joining us, well, have a seat, pour a drink and listen up because I’ll be your tour guide for the next few months…

Yup. I have the cancer. Obviously. See all the pink? I’m not much of a pink fan (expect for Pink herself, for which I have the upmost admiration for), I’m more of a purple kinda girl but the color is growing on me quickly. Candice, Candice! We have so many questions…I know minions, drink your cocktail and have a listen. I’ll answer this as if I’m being interviewed, by…myself…because I am…because I can’t think of a better way to do this so I’m just going to compile all the questions I get asked on a daily basis and you can read it as if you were reading one of those teen magazine pull outs of Justin Timberlake when you were 12 (or Nick Carter, I suppose if you were THAT kinda fan).

Cliffnotes version, how did this all happen?

Here’s the timeline so far:

7/6/11 – Went to see my gyno about birth control (oh yeah and that pesky lump)

7/17/11- Had a breast ultrasound done because my gyno didn’t like the look of the lump

7/27/11 – Had a biopsy done of the lump, a marker placed, a mammogram done to check the marker placement

8/3/11 – Called down to the breast care center and was told I have breast cancer

*Dates are fuzzy here but I’m pretty sure I had to go for a blood test and something else then:

8/22/11 – Had MRI done to see if cancer had spread to other breast

8/24/11 – Met with plastic surgeon

8/26 – Met with surgeon again to go over MRI

Then this Thursday I meet with a different plastic surgeon (because my surgeon doesn’t like the guy I saw the first time)

Are you ok?

Yes. I’m fine. Really. I am one of those people that says it like it is and if I wasn’t ok…you’d know it. Ask West (my bf) what it looks like when I’m not ok. He’ll tell you. You can’t miss it. Really. I don’t feel sick, I’m not losing sleep, I’m not worried about the cancer (I’m worried about other stuff as a result of the cancer like $$$ and work and all that crap) I’m not crying every day and I’m not wallowing in my own depression or planning my funeral. I am the same person I was before the diagnosis and I’ll be the same person after I kick cancer’s ass.

How did you find out you had cancer?

Uh. Well. I didn’t. I mean…I’m 28. I don’t do mammograms, I rarely do self breast exams unless you count reaching down into my bra to pull my boob back up into my bra a breast exam. Breast cancer is for old people lol. I know that’s not true NOW of course, but…in short, West found it. One night we were (insert goddy laughable porn music here) and he said uhhh…stop. What’s this? Where did this come from? (Things you say when someone pulls out a sex toy for $200 Alex) I felt what he felt and realized I had a lump that I swear was not there before that very moment, like him touching my breast put it there. As they say…the rest is history…

Does it hurt?

No. Well actually that’s a lie. It phantom hurts sometimes. Your brain does strange things when a doctor tells you, you have a tumor. You body starts giving off these phantom pains, your mind starts playing tricks on you…oh and around that time of the month it hurts but that’s almost every woman. Boobs in pain + Cramps + Blood + I hate the world = period.

Which boob? How big is the tumor?

Left. Which I think is odd because I’m left handed so it’s almost like I overworked that boob and its fighting back or something. The tumor is a little over 3CM X 1.5CM which on a ruler doesn’t look that big but apparently, the size along puts me at a stage II.

So you know what stage you are?

No. Not really, I know what stage I’m at least at. I’m at least a 2 because of the size of the tumor but it could be a 3 depending on if it went to my lymphnodes. What we’re hoping for is NOT a stage 4 which means the cancers spread and theres tumors elsewhere. We’ll know this “staging” after surgery.

What kind of cancer is it?

Haven’t you been reading? It’s breast cancer? JK – I know what you mean, its called IDC – Inductal Carcinoma or plainly boob cancer that starts in a milk duct. It’s the most common type of cancer which I’m told is a good thing because rare+cancer = no bueno in most cases. Wow I need to stop blogging after math homework. I’m doing a lot of equations here. Besides that, I’m pretty sure I heard the docs say it’s HER2 negative and Estrogen positive. If you want to know what that means, google it, cuz I’m not a doctor.

Has it spread?

I don’t have an answer for that. Surgery needs to be done to check my lymphnodes. If there’s cancer in my lymphnodes then yes, its spread, no cancer in my lymphnodes means there’s a pretty good chance it’s just in the breast. We’ll know after surgery.

Are you ok?

Yes, thanks for asking…again.

What are they going to do?

A double mastectomy. Yup…both boobs coming off, chopped away, removed…and the cancer with it!

No, seriously, what are you going to do? Isn’t there another way?

There is. I could have just the one infected boob removed…and have no left boob, or have a fake left boob and a healthy right boob….and when I’m seventy my upper body will resemble a teeter totter. Or I could have a lumpectomy but I’ll lose my left nipple and pretty much half my breast and insurance doesn’t cover lumpectomy reconstruction (the insurance company won’t buy me a new nipple)…. I could make millions on fetish websites who like women without matching breasts, save up some cash and get reconstruction later..but I’d like to not find out what the online porn industry is like.

To be serious for just a sec, it makes the most sense for me, for my age, and for my risk factors. I read a study today that said that women have a 1.5% chance per year of breast cancer reoccurring after once having the disease. That means if I live till I’m 80, that’s a 78% (52 X 1.5) chance I’ll have a reoccurance in my lifetime. It’s bad enough I have to go through this once, I don’t want to hold my breath my entire life for the other boob to drop, as they say. Plus, the reconstruction will make them match and I’ll never have to do self-exams, mammograms (for cancer, they’ll still do them for implants) or worry about breast cancer ever ever ever again…and who knows where I’ll be in life when/if I keep a healthy breast and it re-occurs. Maybe I won’t have insurance, maybe I’ll have a billion kids and won’t be able to sleep and recover like I can now etc. etc. lets just get it done and over with, as extreme as it may seem.

How are you feeling?

I feel fine. I don’t feel sick, I’m not tired, I don’t have pain…if I didn’t have a lump, I would have never known anything was wrong.

How is your family/boyfriend/friends handling it all?

It’s funny how people react to cancer. I had a co-worker I was pretty close too and she had a first hand account of cancer so I when I got my diagnosis I immediately wrote her a novel on my feelings/fears/medical advice etc. etc. and was just sure she was going to be a great support tool. She never wrote back. She got it, she just hasn’t answered yet apparently. On the other flip of the coin I have a friend from high school, we didn’t hang out much so I don’t know if she calls me a friend but anyway, we knew eachother, we talked occasionally but our relationship wasn’t necessarily memorable…but ever since I was diagnosed she writes on my facebook wall and sends me wishes just as much as my best friend. I have an aunt that sends me greeting cards in the mail. She writes inspirational messages in them and being a cancer survivor herself, it makes it fun to check the mail finally J All in all everyone is dealing with it in their own way but it’s been positive and that’s all that matters to me. No negative JUJU!

Are you scared?

Hell yeah I’m scared. For someone to tell you they’re going through something like this and not scared is full of bullshit with a capital B. Point them out so I can kick them in their babymaker. The thing is, fear can be a motivator or a paralyzer and I choose to let it motivate me. All fear really is, is the feeling of not knowing. I fear what surgery is going to feel like. I fear what the pain is going to be like after. I fear what chemo is going to be like, if I have to lose my hair. More than anything I fear this whole experience will leave me with the inability to have kids. That is my greatest fear…but you press on and you take it day by day and you face it because the true character of a person is what they do when they are faced with a great challenge, and I don’t intend to have stories told of me of how I lost my battle with cancer. Nah ah. Not me. Not this girl. Breast cancer has no idea who it’s messing with.

Do you have to have chemo? Radiation? Are they going to take out your ovaries? Tell me more tell me more:

I don’t have answers for these questions which is why I grouped them all together. We won’t know these answers until after surgery and as for the ovaries, it seems pretty common with estrogen positive breast cancer but I am going to fight tooth and nail to find another way.

Are you ok?

Ask me again. Really. Find out what happens. IM EFFING FINE!

Ok…now we’re all on the same page? Good! Glad we took this trip down memory lane :) Moving right along…..