Before I can go forward with this blog, I need to take a step back for all ya’ll that missed the party bus a couple weeks ago. If you’ve been with me for the whole trip, take a nap and I’ll wake you up at our next destination. If you’re just joining us, well, have a seat, pour a drink and listen up because I’ll be your tour guide for the next few months…
Yup. I have the cancer. Obviously. See all the pink? I’m not much of a pink fan (expect for Pink herself, for which I have the upmost admiration for), I’m more of a purple kinda girl but the color is growing on me quickly. Candice, Candice! We have so many questions…I know minions, drink your cocktail and have a listen. I’ll answer this as if I’m being interviewed, by…myself…because I am…because I can’t think of a better way to do this so I’m just going to compile all the questions I get asked on a daily basis and you can read it as if you were reading one of those teen magazine pull outs of Justin Timberlake when you were 12 (or Nick Carter, I suppose if you were THAT kinda fan).
Cliffnotes version, how did this all happen?
Here’s the timeline so far:
7/6/11 – Went to see my gyno about birth control (oh yeah and that pesky lump)
7/17/11- Had a breast ultrasound done because my gyno didn’t like the look of the lump
7/27/11 – Had a biopsy done of the lump, a marker placed, a mammogram done to check the marker placement
8/3/11 – Called down to the breast care center and was told I have breast cancer
*Dates are fuzzy here but I’m pretty sure I had to go for a blood test and something else then:
8/22/11 – Had MRI done to see if cancer had spread to other breast
8/24/11 – Met with plastic surgeon
8/26 – Met with surgeon again to go over MRI
Then this Thursday I meet with a different plastic surgeon (because my surgeon doesn’t like the guy I saw the first time)
Are you ok?
Yes. I’m fine. Really. I am one of those people that says it like it is and if I wasn’t ok…you’d know it. Ask West (my bf) what it looks like when I’m not ok. He’ll tell you. You can’t miss it. Really. I don’t feel sick, I’m not losing sleep, I’m not worried about the cancer (I’m worried about other stuff as a result of the cancer like $$$ and work and all that crap) I’m not crying every day and I’m not wallowing in my own depression or planning my funeral. I am the same person I was before the diagnosis and I’ll be the same person after I kick cancer’s ass.
How did you find out you had cancer?
Uh. Well. I didn’t. I mean…I’m 28. I don’t do mammograms, I rarely do self breast exams unless you count reaching down into my bra to pull my boob back up into my bra a breast exam. Breast cancer is for old people lol. I know that’s not true NOW of course, but…in short, West found it. One night we were (insert goddy laughable porn music here) and he said uhhh…stop. What’s this? Where did this come from? (Things you say when someone pulls out a sex toy for $200 Alex) I felt what he felt and realized I had a lump that I swear was not there before that very moment, like him touching my breast put it there. As they say…the rest is history…
Does it hurt?
No. Well actually that’s a lie. It phantom hurts sometimes. Your brain does strange things when a doctor tells you, you have a tumor. You body starts giving off these phantom pains, your mind starts playing tricks on you…oh and around that time of the month it hurts but that’s almost every woman. Boobs in pain + Cramps + Blood + I hate the world = period.
Which boob? How big is the tumor?
Left. Which I think is odd because I’m left handed so it’s almost like I overworked that boob and its fighting back or something. The tumor is a little over 3CM X 1.5CM which on a ruler doesn’t look that big but apparently, the size along puts me at a stage II.
So you know what stage you are?
No. Not really, I know what stage I’m at least at. I’m at least a 2 because of the size of the tumor but it could be a 3 depending on if it went to my lymphnodes. What we’re hoping for is NOT a stage 4 which means the cancers spread and theres tumors elsewhere. We’ll know this “staging” after surgery.
What kind of cancer is it?
Haven’t you been reading? It’s breast cancer? JK – I know what you mean, its called IDC – Inductal Carcinoma or plainly boob cancer that starts in a milk duct. It’s the most common type of cancer which I’m told is a good thing because rare+cancer = no bueno in most cases. Wow I need to stop blogging after math homework. I’m doing a lot of equations here. Besides that, I’m pretty sure I heard the docs say it’s HER2 negative and Estrogen positive. If you want to know what that means, google it, cuz I’m not a doctor.
Has it spread?
I don’t have an answer for that. Surgery needs to be done to check my lymphnodes. If there’s cancer in my lymphnodes then yes, its spread, no cancer in my lymphnodes means there’s a pretty good chance it’s just in the breast. We’ll know after surgery.
Are you ok?
Yes, thanks for asking…again.
What are they going to do?
A double mastectomy. Yup…both boobs coming off, chopped away, removed…and the cancer with it!
No, seriously, what are you going to do? Isn’t there another way?
There is. I could have just the one infected boob removed…and have no left boob, or have a fake left boob and a healthy right boob….and when I’m seventy my upper body will resemble a teeter totter. Or I could have a lumpectomy but I’ll lose my left nipple and pretty much half my breast and insurance doesn’t cover lumpectomy reconstruction (the insurance company won’t buy me a new nipple)…. I could make millions on fetish websites who like women without matching breasts, save up some cash and get reconstruction later..but I’d like to not find out what the online porn industry is like.
To be serious for just a sec, it makes the most sense for me, for my age, and for my risk factors. I read a study today that said that women have a 1.5% chance per year of breast cancer reoccurring after once having the disease. That means if I live till I’m 80, that’s a 78% (52 X 1.5) chance I’ll have a reoccurance in my lifetime. It’s bad enough I have to go through this once, I don’t want to hold my breath my entire life for the other boob to drop, as they say. Plus, the reconstruction will make them match and I’ll never have to do self-exams, mammograms (for cancer, they’ll still do them for implants) or worry about breast cancer ever ever ever again…and who knows where I’ll be in life when/if I keep a healthy breast and it re-occurs. Maybe I won’t have insurance, maybe I’ll have a billion kids and won’t be able to sleep and recover like I can now etc. etc. lets just get it done and over with, as extreme as it may seem.
How are you feeling?
I feel fine. I don’t feel sick, I’m not tired, I don’t have pain…if I didn’t have a lump, I would have never known anything was wrong.
How is your family/boyfriend/friends handling it all?
It’s funny how people react to cancer. I had a co-worker I was pretty close too and she had a first hand account of cancer so I when I got my diagnosis I immediately wrote her a novel on my feelings/fears/medical advice etc. etc. and was just sure she was going to be a great support tool. She never wrote back. She got it, she just hasn’t answered yet apparently. On the other flip of the coin I have a friend from high school, we didn’t hang out much so I don’t know if she calls me a friend but anyway, we knew eachother, we talked occasionally but our relationship wasn’t necessarily memorable…but ever since I was diagnosed she writes on my facebook wall and sends me wishes just as much as my best friend. I have an aunt that sends me greeting cards in the mail. She writes inspirational messages in them and being a cancer survivor herself, it makes it fun to check the mail finally J All in all everyone is dealing with it in their own way but it’s been positive and that’s all that matters to me. No negative JUJU!
Are you scared?
Hell yeah I’m scared. For someone to tell you they’re going through something like this and not scared is full of bullshit with a capital B. Point them out so I can kick them in their babymaker. The thing is, fear can be a motivator or a paralyzer and I choose to let it motivate me. All fear really is, is the feeling of not knowing. I fear what surgery is going to feel like. I fear what the pain is going to be like after. I fear what chemo is going to be like, if I have to lose my hair. More than anything I fear this whole experience will leave me with the inability to have kids. That is my greatest fear…but you press on and you take it day by day and you face it because the true character of a person is what they do when they are faced with a great challenge, and I don’t intend to have stories told of me of how I lost my battle with cancer. Nah ah. Not me. Not this girl. Breast cancer has no idea who it’s messing with.
Do you have to have chemo? Radiation? Are they going to take out your ovaries? Tell me more tell me more:
I don’t have answers for these questions which is why I grouped them all together. We won’t know these answers until after surgery and as for the ovaries, it seems pretty common with estrogen positive breast cancer but I am going to fight tooth and nail to find another way.
Are you ok?
Ask me again. Really. Find out what happens. IM EFFING FINE!
Ok…now we’re all on the same page? Good! Glad we took this trip down memory lane :) Moving right along…..
