WTF Happened?

So it occurred to my these past couple days that if you didn't live here in Vegas or a close friend with someone in my family, you might be wondering what the hell happened to me. Well, let me give you an update...
I you've noticed I haven't really blogged since my first scheduled surgery in September and since Sep 28th to be honest things have taken a very unexpected turn for the worse and I've been in and out of hospitals too many times to count. Things just snowballed into something no one expected.
One day here soon I'll go in and post blogs about each one of my surgeries in detail, because after all in addition to this being a place to keep friends and family updated, its also meant to be first hand inspiration for others going through my same situation. For now though, lets just get the details out. My original mastectomy on 9/28 went as planned. They took all my breast tissue and inserted expanders for implants. The incisions were nicely done and the pain from the surgery was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was actually back home from my surgery in 23 hours and the most horrible part was trying to sleep on my back. Things looked good, like I'd be resuming normal life any second...
About two days into being home, I noticed a pain in my shoulder, small at first but as the week wore on it turned into unbearable pain. I couldnt leave the bed or the recliner. The weight of my own arm on my shoulder socket would send such nerve pain down my right side I would hit my knees in pain. My right arm started to go numb and my fingers started to lose grip and motion. I talked to my docs during followups who would just tell me that its not uncommon to have shoulder pain after mastectomies and that they probably laid me on the table wrong during surgery so it met all the symptoms of a pinched nerve. They said massage, ice, heat, and repeat and it would go away...and boy did we try that..over and over...a few more days later nothing was getting better so I went into urgent care for some kind of relief. They took an xray said again it just must be a pinched nerve and sent me home with the strongest pain killers they could prescribe.
A few days later I had a followup with my plastic surgeon. Second setback. The expander on the right side rejected and needs another surgery. I swear its from all the pulling tugging and manipulating we did on the skin from massaging my shoulder and neck on that side but Dr. Spann said sometimes these things just happen and it needs to be fixed with surgery. *sigh* so on Oct 14th I went back under the knife to fix the expander. So much for getting back to normal life in 2 weeks. I did have a little bit of optimism though. I thought that maybe my shoulder pain could really be caused by inflamation in the bad expander and maybe this surgery would fix everything...
That surgery went fine too, in fact I was home pretty quick from the expander surgery again and the good news is it has all healed this time and the second expander looks like its going to work! Bad news shoulder pain is the same. Now I had pain from a new surgery and an arm thats numb and fingers that dont work...ahhhh!
So a few days after surgery i made an appointment with my primary doc, thinking he would take a closer look at the shoulder, send me to a neurologist...something, anything to relive the pinched nerve pain that just wasnt going away! Crying in his office the doc that saw me had me take my shirt off, saw the mastectomy bandage, the drains, my pain level and wouldnt even touch me. I had to make him touch my shoulder to feel for something, force him to look at it and in the end he said it was all from surgery and sent me home with muscle relaxants and the same advice..heat.cool.massage. GRRRR
Three days I suffered at home and to and from doc appointments for lab work and insertion of a port. The cut my right arm open and inserted a semi permanent iv under my skin to admin the chemo and take blood when needed...great just what i needed, more messing with that arm...
Finally I couldnt take it anymore. The Tuesday before halloween enough was enough. This wasn't a pinched nerve, it wasnt healing and I couldnt take the pain. Mom and West took me to an actual emergency room at mountain view hospital where we demanded a CT scan, something more than meds and xrays...and thats when they found it. Bone cancer. The breast cancer had spread to my bones and actually eaten away bones in my neck. The tumors were pressing on my spinal cord and the doctors freaked out. One bad move of my head, one fall, they said I was literally inches from being paralyzed, couldn't believe i was functioning without these bones. Before I knew it, I was in emergency spinal surgery the next day with hip graphs and life saving conversations. It was such a whirlwind. Three days on a breathing tube and ICU, a week in Valley Hospital having the tube removed, learning to swallow and eat again...now I've been in a rehab facility learning to walk in this full body brace and getting the strength up just to learn how to get out of bed and use a walker. How did it come to this?
Tomorrow I get to go home. Such a relieving thought to be home with the ones I love but a scary feeling to know now I need to quickly learn how to function in this brace. I have my first followup appt with my surgeon to look at the incisions and evaluate how I'm healing. I'm looking at 8 weeks in this full body brace and will need a lot of help, I cant take the brace on and off alone, I can;t clean myself, do my own hair etc. but I'm alive and I'm going to get through this...i know its temporary...but still frustrating. I'm still struggling to talk, after all the went through both the front and back of my neck to repair the tumor damage and moving around vocal chords and windpipes in addition to the tube in my neck has left me without much of a voice. It gets stronger each day but I still have trouble talking over a phone or places where people cant see my lips.
As for the cancer, this is obviously not good news. Spreading to the bone makes the cancer a stage 4, incurable terminal cancer that most women don't live more than 4 years from but cancer hasnt met anyone like me before and if there is a will, there is a way..i will fight till the very end whether thats 4 years or 40...
I meet with the radiologist tomorrow to discuss how soon radiation can start. They cant start radiation too soon or the bone graphs will reject but they cant wait too long or the tumors will keep growing...keep eating bone. When treatments do start they will be daily mon-fri for 3 weeks and will be the first step to really fighting the cancer...then theres chemo...but one day at a time...one day at a time..

P-A-R-T-Y - Boob Voyage

For starters, I added some of you to my email list so my blog comes right to your inbox. I didn’t know that meant it would be coming like a giant email to your inbox, I thought it would just say “Candice posted a new blog” and send you a link. So..for all those confused that I was sending them personal emails with big long stories lol its supposed to be an update to my blog that I subscribed you to. Check the subject line. If it says  “Killer Boobs, Attack!” then it’s just an automatic copy of what you’re seeing online. I’m still trying to figure this all out.

Ok! I know it’s a little late notice but I am having my Boob Voyage party this weekend. It’s going to be this Saturday (24^th). Just show up any time between 2 and 3. It will be a BBQ (from what I hear we’re BBQing steaks), there will be a pool for swimming, good food for eating and maybe even a cocktail or four. Mainly, we’re going to just hang out and have a good time. I wanted one last hoorah with everyone before I start to feel like crap after recovery and maybe even through chemo.

Here’s a map to the party: http://g.co/maps/7e7tt

Now if you’re reading this and asking, well is she talking to me? Am I invited? Well OF COURSE YOU ARE! Everyone is! EVERYONE. If you’re reading this, you’re invited. I’ll send an invitation on facebook too but if you don’t get it, or don’t have facebook, then consider this your formal invitation.

I bet you’re asking if you can bring anything? For the most part, no. I just want your shining face present but if you’re one of those people that feel like they MUST bring something, then I’m not going to stop you lol I like food. Bring food, but make it boob related. Ya know, boobie shaped cupcakes, something in a “reduction sauce”, cheese balls in the shapes of boobies…I don’t care…and I don’t care how you relate it to boobs (soda with boobs drawn on the label) but match the theme. J

…and the final question that came up, was if you should bring a gift. I’m not exactly sure what constitutes an “ I’m sorry you have breast cancer and getting your boobs cut off” gift. If it were me I’d have no idea what to get that person so in my mind the idea of bringing a gift is ridiculous. Not needed. Really. HOWEVER it has been brought to my attention that everyone around me wants to help, and feels helpless, and they just think that bringing me a LITTLE (emphasis on small) something would make them feel better so IF you feel like you just can’t come without a gift, this is the list of things I’ve compiled for my surgery care package wish list:

·         Pillows (all shapes and sizes to prop me, my arms etc. up while sleeping)

·         Front closure shirts and PJ’s (cuz I can’t lift my arms to pull stuff over my head for awhile)

·         Baby wipes

·         Dry shampoo

·         Chapstick

·         Mints/hard candy

·         Kids Sippy Cups (apparently reaching for the cup with a straw in it is ridiculously hard after surgery)

·         Gatorade/Vitamin Water

·         Magazines/newspapers

Hope to see ya’ll there! I know RSVP is pretty much dead lol but if you can send me a quick note and let me know whether you can come or not, that would be awesome :)

BTW – If you can’t come, don’t sweat it. I’m planning on having another shindig once this is all over. My stepmom had an awesome idea. You see, at some point I’m going to get some nipples grafted on and those nipples need to be tattooed for color so I’m planning on having a tattoo party in a few months to celebrate beating the crap out of the cancer and the finale of all my surgeries! We’ll eat, drink, be merry and everyone (if they choose) can get a tattoo! I’ll invite a tattoo artist or two…something to look forward to!

My tumor has a tail!

I logged on to my Southwest Medical file today to see how far booked my general doctor is (for asthma and dermatitis) and notice I have a new piece of paper in my medical record. It’s the results from my MRI findings. I click on it and discover. MY TUMOR HAS A TAIL! I didn’t realize tumors could get tails, but mine does. To give you an example of what I’m trying to decipher, this is my medical findings:

At the 4 o clock position anteriorly in the left breast there is a 2.6 x 2.2 x 3.3 cm (1.02in x .86in x 1.29in) lobulated mass. Multi-nodular stranding to the nipple present. There is posterior stranding also present creating a tail that extends posteriorly over a length of approx. 2CM (1.2in) with a total length of the mass from tumor to tail posteriorly of approximately 5cm (1.96in). Medial to the primary tumor in the central inferior retoareolar aspect of the left breast are several nodular enhancing elements, the largest with a length of approximately 16mm (.62 in). There are also some linear and nodular strand like areas of enhancement in the left breast at the 8 to 9 position. No mass or suspicious enhancement in the right breast. Several nonspecific auxiliary lymph nodes bilaterally more so on the left. Most prominent lymph node left extra region with a short axis dimension of 11mm (.43 in).

Impression:

1.       The bulk of the previously biopsied left breast cancer is at the 4clock position with a maximum dimension of 3.3CM (1.29in) however there is stranding anteriorly to the nipple and a posterior tail that extends over 5cm (1.96in). Multifocal nodular areas of enhancement also present medial to the tumor in the left lower inner quadrant suspicious for multiple foci of tumor. BI-RADS 6.

2.       Prominent left auxiliary lymph nodes, suspicious.

3.       No suspicious lesions detected in the right breast.

So what does this all mean? Well let me retype it with all the stuff I researched from google. Now, don’t hold me to this because the internet is the internet but….

At the 4 o clock position (look at your nipple like a clock in the mirror) in the front of the left breast near the surface is a tumor a little over 1 ¼ in by 1in. The tumor has changed the tissue around it, almost like creating roots of a tree. It’s starting to infect the surrounding tissue in “stands”. The strands are starting to create “nodules” or baby tumors. The largest of these strands is 1.96inches and the largest  of these baby tumors is .62 inches. The largest baby tumor is behind the nipple way beneath the surface where I can’t feel it (central inferior retoareolar). There is more stranding to the 8 and 9 oclock positions. There are several lymphnodes in my arm pit (auxiliary means armpit) that they looked at and the most prominent one was .43 in wide (side note: most lymph nodes are ¼ of an inch to ¾ inch) so while it falls in normal range, it’s still swollen compared to the other lymph nodes around it.

….so moral of the story is, I guess it’s a good thing I’m having the bi-lateral. It sounds like the tumor has gone from just being a small tumor to stranding off and trying to create baby tumors all over my breast tissue so I’m not sure saving my breast would have been an option even if I wanted it.

Save the date!

SO! I FINALLY HAVE A SURGERY DATE!! After a little over a month of talking talking talking....we're finally going to take some action. I talked to my surgeons office today and I finally have a surgery date. I will be having my double mastectomy on Wednesday September 28th at 10:30am. The whole surgery will take between 3 and 5 hours.They are going to:

• Make an incision
• Remove the tumor and send it off for testing
• Remove breast tissue from my collar bone to my arm pits to my back
• Remove the nipples (but save as much other skin as they can)
• Do a lymph node biopsy and remove lymph nodes if they contain cancer
• Insert tissue expanders behind the muscle
• Fill those tissue expanders as much as my muscle and skin will allow
• Close everything back up

 The surgery will take place at Spring Valley Hospital. I think it's on the corner of Rainbow and Hacienda but I haven't been there before. Apparently, I'm getting a packet of information sent to me in the mail but sometime next week I have to go for a bunch of blood tests and a chest X-Ray. Then I have to go down to Spring Valley and pre-register as a patient for surgery. I don't know how long I will be in the actual hospital for. That depends on how smoothly the surgery goes and how much pain I'm in after. I've talked to a lot of people who have told me they stayed anywhere between just overnight to as much as 5 days in the hospital so....I guess we'll play this one by ear. As with any surgery, I won't know my room number and all of that until I come out and get assigned so I'll post that when I'm awake again lol

Mastectomy Scar Tattoo

Now the first question I got asked to was if I was excited? Now excited probably isn't the right word. I'm relieved to have a date and know action is on the way. I'm comforted knowing that soon this tumor that is reaking havoc in my body will be gone and I'm just plain ready to have the whole thing over with. The flipped side to that coin is it finally makes it real. It's happening. The inevitable is happening and I'm getting all those nerves and jitters that come with any operation. I trust my doctors, I know things are going to be fine but it's now a week and a half of anticipation to deal with. I am watching surgery videos to be informed and now finally connect what I'm seeing on the screen to what is going to happen to my body. I'm going to wake up and the breasts I've had for 28 years are going to be gone. They're not going to grow back. It's not like cutting my hair. A piece of me is being taken and looking in the mirror, no matter how much I complain about their size, how they hang, how I can't ever find any bras for them, they are still my breasts and I prefer to keep them. I'm devastated knowing that I will never ever ever feel the sensation of my nipples being touched or rubbing against fabric, that I'll never have my real nipples again. I can take pictures of my breasts to remember them, I can make a mold of my breasts to remind me of their size and shape but you can't bottle a feeling, a sensation. It's like a part of me is dying and I'm in mourning in a way.

The second question I got asked was if I want you there? Well of course. I could always use a visit from you. I'm speaking generally but seriously, I welcome anyone who wants to come down for the surgery, who wants to come down to visit me after the surgery, to come on down. The more the merrier! I'm going to be bored out of my mind at the hospital. I would love to see each and every one of your smiling faces. Now I probably can't go clubbing with you in the evenings and show you around the city but...if you want to play a bored game, or catch a movie on TV, I'm your girl :) Speaking of visiting, that means that I will probably have my Boob Voyage party the weekend before, the weekend of Sep 23 so if you're interested in going to that, let me know......the more the merrier to that also!! Would be nice to party it up before I start to feel like crap! :)

Now is as good as any time to mention that I'm going through a lot of anger this week. I'm mad at my breasts for rebelling against me. I'm mad at stupid people. I'm mad at people that do things to their bodies on a daily basis that cause cancer but yet they don't get cancer. Yeah. I'm talking to you, you people that smoke. Most of my family, some of my friends, and even my roommate smokes. I'm mad at you. I'm angry at you. I don't mean I personally have a vendetta against you...its not personal...but I'm severely upset with you people as a whole. You smokers. You people use a product that ON THE FUCKING LABEL says it causes cancer yet you continue to use it. Some of you have used it for more years than I'm alive. The product is a known cause of cancer and you know this is the consequence when you light up yet apparently to you guys it's more important to get that hit of nicotine than it is to stay alive. You do something all day every day that SHORTENS YOUR LIFE SPAN yet you guys aren't the ones that end up with cancer. I do. I get cancer. I don't smoke, I've never done a single drug in my life, I don't drink excessively. I stay out of the sun. I do everything to PREVENT cancer and this is my reward? Meanwhile you guys do the shit that causes it, YOU ASK FOR CANCER EVERYDAY and I'm the one that has to go through this. I'm the one that suffers. How is that right? How is that justified? How do you guys get to be selfish but yet my life hangs in the balance? I mean I had anger before this. I have asthma and some days breathing for me is so difficult it hurts. I cherish my lungs and wish every day to just wake up and have the disease gone and you guys take two perfectly good lungs and RUIN THEM selfishly in front of me while I watch hopeless, helpless. You should be ashamed of yourselves. YOU SHOULD HAVE THIS CANCER - NOT ME. I don't deserve this.

It's obvious you've never taken naked photos before.

http://www.spannplasticsurgery.com/marvin.html

Hi folks. Time for another blog posting. I at first wanted to blog every single day but my last post was like pulling teeth. I mean seriously, why force myself to blog when I don't feel like it? All I get it in the end is a post that's so boring it doesn't entertain nor inform anyone...so I intend to write when I have something interesting to say.
This gentleman that you see to your left is Dr. Spann. He's the plastic surgeon that I met with on Thursday. I had originally met with another plastic surgeon from his practice because Dr. Spann was out taking exams (or something) but after talking to Dr. Gabriel, he was intent that I choose Dr. Spann. Not saying there was anything wrong with my original plastic surgeon and his loads of experience but when your surgeon recommends another surgeon, you kinda gotta trust it.
My appointment was Thursday afternoon. I knew it was going to be a good appointment when they didn't charge me my co-pay. Yay me! Score one for the cancer patient. I was brought back to the exam room with my mom and West and had a short conversation with the nurse I had chatted with last time. She recognized me and said hi. It was a long wait in a room without much air conditioning. I'm not gonna lie. I had some boob sweat going on and kept readjusting because I knew at some point I was going to need to take my top off. Dr. Spann came in and like every doctor was like OMG you're 28? Really? Ok doctors..I get it. I'm young. Tell the effin cancer that. It's a shocking surprise and I don't like it any more than you do. ANYWAYS he immediately went over the procedure details and what was most different about this appointment than the last one was I got to see touch and feel all the things that are going into my body. I got to see what tissue expanders look like (basically hot water bottles), I got to feel the difference between silicone and saline implants (and we'll be definitely going with silicone) and learn about how they graph a nipple. He was descriptive and put me at ease.
Then it was time for me to take my shirt off and change into this robe. Here's where my planning for this occasion went bad. For starters there was no AC in the room and I had a lot of boob sweat going on. Secondly, I was wearing my skinny jeans on a not so skinny day so I had that muffin top thing going on so topless, I felt like Jabba the Hut.

No, of course this isn't my breast - example of an anchor scar.

Then the guy comes in with what every woman dreads at this point. A camera. I mean, I understand the need for before and after shots but c'mon dude. Really? Now? Awesome. Before going right to my photo shoot, he had me pose in the mirror so he could look at my nipples, my skin texture, how my breasts hang. He pointed out how one breast is bigger than the other (thanks) and showed me where my scars would be visible. They do something called an anchor scar which will pretty much only be visible underneath my breast so I can still wear low cut tops and all that without anything showing. Pretty much only West and myself will ever see my scars and that makes me feel a lot better than some of the photos I had seen.
He too some measurements of my chest to see what size tissue expander I would fit and then he brought out the camera and had me stand against a black wall while joking with us that taking pictures of topless women was how he paid for med school. West started joking with him that he should start a website of before and after shots, that some guys into fetish would really like that and he replied with "what makes you think that's not what this camera is for?" LOL Awesome. So I stood against the black wall and followed his instructions for my pictures...and he looks at me with this smile and is like well, it's obvious you've never taken nude photos before. What? Because I didn't pose? lol The man should have given me some props and then I would have put on a show or something. Really given him some photos for that website of his ;) but all in all I got a good feeling from him at the appointment. I liked his humor and seeing what a close relationship this surgery puts you with your plastic surgeon and staff, I think I'll fit right in.
Now. I want to show you guys something. If you're squimish, if you can't watch surgery on TV, if this doesn't interest you. Skip down BUT if you really want to see the surgery I'm having....I mean REALLY see it...I want you to watch this video. Now. The woman in the video has already had her first surgery. They went in, removed all the breast tissue and put in tissue expanders that she has had filled over a period of 6 to 8 weeks and now she's ready for her new permanent implants. Notice that very beginning of the video surgery. She doesn't have nipples? That's how I'm going to be for quite a few months.

ACTUALLY wait a sec. Maybe I should educate ya'll on what I'm having done. WATCH THIS VIDEO FIRST and then watch the breast surgery video. Watch the beginning of this video but THEN SKIP TO 2:00min in so you can get right to the synthetic implant part. I'm not having anything having to do with the first 2:00min of that video where they're talking about flaps. Is it strange the only thing that's bothering me about this procedure is that I have to have a breathing tube inserted??


Ok, that's probably enough info for one night. Leave your comments below and let me know what you think of this whole thing. Videos finally make it real? Yeah. I'm feeling that way too.